Love-Hate Relationships

Nature is immensely beautiful in every way- even bugs, bees, snakes, lizards or what we girls call the creepy crawlies have perfect shape, form and colour that suit their lifestyles. If we can just take a closer look at the tiny life forms in a garden, we will be amazed at the diversity and beauty of every living being, whether they are our plants’ friends or foes.

I snapped these little grasshoppers early one morning while watering the plants. Their uniformed formation made them look like they were in some kind of conference, discussing some important hopper matters or making some devious plans to take over the world a.k.a my garden.

Wait a minute- did you say my ‘garden’?

Darn, but of course- these pretty little long-legged hoppers will soon be all over my plants, chomping on everything and leaving holes everywhere! Yikes and double yikes...but I didn’t have the heart to catch or kill them all.

Strangely enough, I never have the same qualms when I see caterpillars. How I hate them- they eat ravenously, sometimes rendering an entire lime tree bald in just days or making huge holes in other plants. Not only that, they make me itch- just a slight brush against these little hairy fellas gives me rashes that lasts for days.

The problem is that caterpillars turn into butterflies. Big, beautiful creations with short lifespans and even shorter reproductive periods. With destructive caterpillars as their young, few of them ever makes it out of my garden alive as I snip every caterpillar dead every time I see one.

Such is the nature of a love-hate relationship, I guess...when you hate something or someone yet love this thing or person just as deeply. How can one fully describe or understand the contrasting emotions?

Yet in retrospect, aren’t many aspects of life love-hate relationships?

Marriages or relationships are perhaps the best examples: we may love our partners yet hate certain aspects of his/her personality; eg he/she makes great curry but never cleans up afterwards; he/she is nice to travel but tends to shop too much; he/she takes care of you well but is so possessive and domineering that you’ve lost all your friends.

Then there are the bosses that you love and hate at the same time. You love him/her for giving you your job, but hates the way he never stands up for you when anything goes wrong. How about bosses who give you fat pay-cheques, yet put you down publicly as a pathetic opportunist who will grovel for some extra dough?

Almost every family with a domestic maid will agree that their relationship with their maids is at best, love-hate. You may love her cooking or dependability, but hates the way she misplaces (or worse, breaks) things or wastes water or electricity. Some women resent the way the maid appears to have total control over their households, yet love them for freeing their minds and time to do more important things like holding a high-paying job.

What about best friends, whom we love with our heart but hate the fact that they are smarter, prettier, brighter or more popular?

And children- we love them and often sacrifice our lives for their welfare; but deep down, doesn’t every parent mourn their lost youth, freedom and identity? What’s worse is when the children turn out wrong; for instance, if they are born with congenital problems or turn into delinquents or drug addicts. They may not admit it even with their dying breath, but deep down, have they ever wished they never had this child?

Yes, love-hate relationships are painful. The easiest, although not the best, way to resolve them are to decide which is more dominant- the love or the hate.

Grasshoppers: I can live with them, because they seem to disappear almost as soon as they appear. So the damage caused is minimal. Love still prevails.

Caterpillars: No way; may God forgive me for not allowing you to turn into butterflies. I wish I had the patience to wait, but what you are doing to my plants makes me loathe you too much. Sayonara...

Simple? Not really.

The thing is, not every case is so clear-cut. Like the wife who sticks with an abusive or straying husband. What makes her stay despite the way he’s hurting her? Could it be that she decides her love overcomes her hate? It has been said that the deeper the hate, the deeper the love too, because only those you really love can hurt you and make you hate them.

How about unmarried mothers who decide to suffer a lifetime of public scorn and ridicule to have their child out of wedlock? And doctors who continue to care for the ill and dying in overcrowded public hospitals despite sacrificing personal and family time. Love rules here too.

What then, if I (and other gardeners around the world) could practise more love for caterpillars, surely there’ll be more butterflies in the world (and my garden)?

If we could all tip the love-hate equation towards a little more love, would that make the world a better place? Suddenly I feel like breaking into a MJ song...